At A Crossroads
I learnt early on in life that if you wanted something badly, you had to work hard until you achieved it. So began my journey into nursing after seeing an advertisement when I was 11. This was a defining moment.
With the massive support and practical help of two ‘adoptive style’ parents, I transitioned into a young adult with enough basic qualifications to be accepted into what was then known as State Registered Nurse training. Those eight years leading up to that point were excellent training in itself. It taught me fortitude, resilience, and the attitude that you just kept going and grinding away until the polished, gleaming diamond of victory was in your hands.
However, the finished stone has one potential flaw with this mindset. When you hold on to something so tightly, It can slowly start to crush and diminish you. This is where I now mention the ego. If you attach your ego to where you see something as a ‘must have’, things can start to go wrong and work happiness starts to take a downward spiral.
Fast forward to thirty years later, I saw the pinnacle of my nursing career teaching a high-stakes health-care exam. I had completed some initial training and felt my years of experience would be the sail that would propel me into this very niche world of teaching. To date, I have helped eight people achieve this, but the price to me personally has been very high. The tears, the stress, the agony of when it isn’t a pass. I am a sensitive soul and initially my default mindset of, you just have to grind away at it until your teaching is polished enough automatically kicked in. To let go would admit defeat and for me this is unthinkable. Of course, I have touched on perfectionism here and that’s another post. The rational me knows that teaching is a two-way street between student and tutor as far as the learning goes.
Pondering all of this on my walk in the forest, I thought, what if all this pushing, shoving and driving myself down this particular path is wrong? Am I now at a Crossroads where it’s OK to say enough is enough? This was not how I had envisaged it and thought this path was only going to get wider and longer. Now it was shrinking but crucially I was allowing it.
One of the key things I have discovered over these last five years is that sometimes you have to let go and just trust you are moving towards something better. The need to control everything for me is huge due to 1) childhood fears and 2) the belief that it’s all down to me to make anything and everything happen are huge stones to let go of.
Then, as I have touched on in my audio message, there is the power of gratitude and managing expectations as a counter force. Nothing is perfect and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I have been so grateful to have had this opportunity. The people’s lives I have helped to change who can now practice Medicine/Nursing in an English speaking country. I shall talk about the power of gratitude as a later date.
I am still exploring all my work options, but one thing is clear. Letting something go to let something else in is not failure. To think so is black-and-white thinking. Instead, to take the experience and move on, holding on to hopes more lightly. There is a balance between the argument of never giving up, versus allowing something new to move in and you move on.
At my May monthly writing group I attended last week, we were asked to bring a poem that spoke to us. I took Robert Frost’s ‘The Road Not Taken.’ It’s an excellent and famous poem and you can read it here. I would encourage you to think about your crossroads, the roads taken, the ones not, and the ones where you caught a glimpse of what was there and you have turned on your heels quickly and taken a U-turn.
So, to sum up, this is what I would now say. When the diamonds of life’s endeavours sparkle, keep hold of them, dance, and shine with them. But when the diamonds turn to stones of grey heaviness, it’s time to extract the memories and experience of what they taught you, say thank you and let them fall from your hand. You can physically bury them if you want to, there’s a thought! I might do that.
What do you think you need to let go of this week? What might appear instead if you did?
Your thoughts!
