Saturday 7th September

I am currently sitting at my neighbour’s kitchen table typing this out. The internet at home is ‘down’ again, despite a new router and an engineer from OpenReach coming out two days ago. I am using this window of opportunity so there is a post to send hopefully on time, having got essential work done first.

Two weeks ago, my new term of work was all worked out. I had a new way of dividing my hours between work and leisure time. I was setting new boundaries and permitting myself to take more care of myself. I had finished a book on mental resilience and was soon put to the test.

I intended to walk first thing in the morning (15-30 mins) and devote the first hour of my day where I didn’t look at anything online, starting work, emails, or jumping onto social media to answer messages. My priority was to have the first one hour for myself, then work would naturally follow on, having had a good start to my day.

 Since then, all the best-paid plans have been thrown out of the window. This was supposed to be my fresh approach to autumn, feeling recharged after the summer break and ready to go. I try hard to look after myself but this morning my brain was fried and overwhelmed.

There is a grumbling health problem going on. It might be something; it might be nothing. I managed to go to work last week and connect with a fellow teacher as promised. The student numbers were down but that is understandable given I have just had the summer off and people were still on leave themselves. It felt good to be back.

Being self-employed you get paid by results and how much value you give. There is no paid sick leave or annual leave. That comes with the territory. If you don’t work then you don’t get paid-simple. On Friday afternoon, my default place was the local book shop and I headed straight to the nature and walking session.

I am taking tomorrow off as it’s a Sunday and my aim is to do a good job on Monday. I have learnt over the past couple of years that sometimes you have to take one day at a time. My writing here is not to provide answers, or to give words of wisdom but say how it feels. Ultimately, I am writing to say that sometimes all the best-laid plans frazzle and I wasn’t expecting to feel as ‘rubbish’ as I do with lesson plans swirling around in my head.

Nothing feels even and settled yet, and stress is running high, but my walks and writing here will help me come out the other side. On social media (through my phone data) I see other people relaxing on holidays, and weekends away and saying to myself I need more of this too. It’s hard not to feel what if…….

Monday update:

 I managed to tune into a live writing group session on Saturday evening and that was very helpful in restoring a calmer mind. Unexpectedly, my home WiFi fired into life late that night. Sunday morning arrived and I had the final missing piece (an idea for an activity for my Monday class) and got straight back on it. By 09.00 I could finally park what I needed to do and my day off was good. In the shower, a revised website design and offer which I had been mulling over dawned on me.

Looking back from all of this, I realise that despite all the disruption and what felt like chaos something else was being born.  The teacher I had spoken to earlier in the week was creating something good to support other new TEFL teachers, post-conversation, and I could be part of that. It was becoming clearer how all my strands of work could be put into one hat.

Finally, our walks through life can be little more than staggers sometimes. It certainly has felt like that these past 10 days, with both a working laptop and the internet crashing out within 24 hours of one another. There are no neat pathways. The weeds grow and try to strangle you as challenges rise out of the ground and I haven’t figured out how I could have done anything differently. You can’t just stop when there are deadlines but only navigate the difficulties the best way you can with alternative solutions.

And yes, I had thought of retiring, taking a bag and walking shoes and setting off with no fixed destination. That isn’t an option though. I do have a break planned at the end of September.

Wednesday Morning.

It was important to me to get this post out somehow as a blog’s life needs consistency. However, I still feel very up and down and have a tight week’s schedule ahead to get back on track. Therefore, I am giving myself some slack and will return in two weeks and hopefully with a less stressed out and tired mind to write something that will be useful and engaging.

Until then……….