I have been participating in a deep journaling exercise with writer Beth Kempton running over 36 days. With one question prompt a day, it explores impermanence, transition, loss and some big life questions. Simultaneously, over the weekend, I went on my first-ever barge retreat for the day and met four lovely ladies all escaping the pressures of the world and the pressures placed upon themselves. It was a gorgeous experience and one which shall be mentioned again, in connection with another post. I had never done anything like this before.

Time:

One of the questions in Beth’s journaling prompts was what is your relationship with time? The subject is worthy of a whole post, so for now, I will mention it briefly. The subject has been a focal conversation point in our household over the past three weeks. I felt my relationship with time was healthy. Now, I am beginning to wonder if this is truly the case.

Emerging Order:

The internet was finally restored only last Monday. It was an outside junction problem and order finally resumed in my life. I had thought about the subject of this week’s post and various subjects were swirling around and no one subject was settling. I was still in a deeply unsettled state of mind and finding focus again was hard.

Surprise:

To my surprise, my husband announced I had a ‘wobble’ last week. He had noticed it and said it was subtle. The way I speak and act changes. When I questioned him more, he said it was hard to describe. This was a surprise to me as I knew I felt under pressure but hadn’t noticed anything so very different to how I normally am. The month of September had certainly felt like a month of muddle when I was supposed to have had a break from work and ready to go back refreshed.

I am mentioning this only to say I think when you have experienced depression and anxiety in the past, little blips can occur. This doesn’t mean you can’t function and do well in your career and most people won’t notice. You can put on a good front and hide behind a curtain of competence and confidence but people closest to you notice, and it’s good to be reminded that maybe, it’s time to take stock. You aren’t invincible.

Control:

I suppose this highlights my need for certainty, of control and that fear and panic can quickly take over when things don’t go the way I had planned them. I have talked to my daughter about this, and several positive things have resulted because of the last three weeks.

1. 1)I have a new working week routine with a strict boundary around other times. This includes boundaries around people.
3. 2) The calendar for October and November is to stay largely blank.
5. 3) Free Friday is being created. This is my time and my new day off. I choose what I do and with whom, or just on my own, leaving weekends for family etc.
7. 4 ) I now largely use voice messaging on Facebook and Whats App. It’s more time efficient and saves typing text to message/ reply to friends and contacts.
9. 5) What we eat here is now on the top of the list as far as time is concerned, not an afterthought. My boat day facilitated by an ex-Bali restaurant owner taught me that what we put into our bodies should be a top priority and not way down the list of to-do’s after work. There will be a dedicated time to meal plan at the end of each week, ready for the next.
11. 6) I intend to enjoy the autumn and create more pause just to appreciate this change in the season. Observations and how noticing that the field from my bedroom window seems more brown than in August appear to be sharper. I plan to have a solo photography day with my Fuji bridge camera rather than just snapping from my phone.

Walking again:

I’m only just getting back into walking. It had largely stopped. You might think that previously, I had carved out significant amounts of time for this, and take myself off to new trails and locations each week. However, this is where my authenticity comes into play. I don’t lead a charmed life, where any reader might feel that creating a walking and writing life is hard to achieve. I am just an ordinary woman leading a life like many of us do with struggles and challenges with limited time and disposable income. I feel this is my blog’s strength in being this example.

Most of my walks are just snatches in time and taken within a couple of miles from where I live. There is nothing glamorous about it or showcasing weekly beautiful settings and numerous holidays. My writing is five to ten minutes at night before bed, such as the recent journaling exercises, or in the morning when I write these posts. And yes, they have been a challenge to do but one which helps me make sense of my world and hope it might resonate with you.

I have a lot of new subjects to talk about from these recent experiences. I am off to York tomorrow for a short break as there was no summer holiday this year. I hope to be inspired and see what next week’s post will bring your way.

Do take care and until next time…..