Coping with Autumn and Winter- a six month journaling experience.
( The audio is not a transcript but accompanying thoughts for this post and why I did this)
The following in Italics are small extracts from my journal following these last two seasons. I struggle with both, and by writing an account it set me on a path to discover any patterns of behaviours, or triggers (positively or negatively) influencing how I felt during these these times.
As I was writing I was consciously and unconsciously putting systems in place to help me, as I discovered how I was feeling. I’m glad I did this and now wish to share the main points as I wrote about the changing seasons, the weather, nature what was happening and my mental health. These extracts are in note form and are not intended to be grammatically perfect.
31st August: Blue flowers in fields against Elderflowers and red berries. Summer and autumn are starting to merge. A lot to look forward to. Some nerves about being back teaching tomorrow after a month off from the Farm.
3rd September- Cloud, damp, everything has suddenly changed, change here too. Work stress, internet down at home, mood lower already. Tinnitus up, need to stay calm and steady.
20th September- we had a full harvest moon. The bush outside my house seems redder with the berries. Mood is restored as calmer house resumes. Already starting to plan for Christmas.
Revisting these early entries have already given me some thoughts about why doing this exercise has been so helpful. The emerging patterns of feelings what triggers any stress and why do I find this time so challenging?
Some people love winter, but for me, it seems heavy, and when weighted down by external events, it feels like you are bashing against an increasing cold wind and barrier. Traditionally, this has always been the most worrying time, the Christmas bills, heating, the cost of Christmas itself, various birthdays and the cars which had to be serviced, taxed and insured weighed heavy on my mind.
At the end of September, I went on a canal boat retreat and the attendees wrote about this transition of autumn through to winter. I journaled about how I felt about it in the past, compared to how I was attempting to feel differently about it now. It was a lovely day of deep writing and travel along the river at Ely. My daughter and I attended and it was great to connect with like-minded women.
Retreat day:
Autumn past:
“The fall of the leaves shows the darkness of that bare place, branches cut, barren and lifeless. I dreaded the clocks going back. It felt like I was going backwards with them. Time sat heavy and foreboding of the winter ahead.”
Autumn present:
I don’t know how it changed. It started from that golden ball of light and liberation within. The lighter self, the clouds of fog and depression gone, and it was like the shutters from my eyes were blown away to renewal, not death and darkness but harvest and hope.
This showed me how I associated the winter and the dark days ahead with my past depression notably occurring in 1999 and 2010. I went on to write that this season (autumn) should be about preparing and self-care for what lay ahead, taking stock and harvesting all the bounty of the spring and summer months.
“ I stand in the forest and see the golden greens and browns of effort and energy in front of me and know that this autumn is not an end but only a time to evaluate and to see what has worked. The soil is enriched with my leaves of activity, returning to the earth ready to sit quietly through the winter months, ready to step forth into the spring with a newness, a bud, a flower ready to begin again.”
I was full of buoyed-up optimism at this point. After the retreat, I write of seeing the Northern Lights in October, of the mists coming, and how the light continued to change in November. I planted cyclamen with their bright colours to see from my chair in the lounge overlooking our small garden, and booked a wreath-making workshop for Christmas. Something to look forward to seemed the way to get through this period. My daughter who finds winter equally stressful was doing similar things.
17th November- Harder- illness soon arrives with the autumn colours.
(Having a small toddler in our family now meant that we were being bathed in childhood germs).
Hand, Foot and Mouth wiped out most of November and lingering colds, though I was staying strong and virus-free up to this point elevated by Vitamin D, Zinc and Magnesium from my Joint supplements. My daughter’s plans for little activities to look forward to were largely wiped out from her calendar with quiet resignation. The wreath making workshop never happened and we did ours at home for my daughter’s 30th birthday.
26th November- Feeling like I have come out of a mini tunnel.
I had been to Oxford to see my aunt and as I entered the door back home, I didn’t come out the other side until now.
8th December- Possibly taking up a weather journal next year.
I had connected with a local village on Facebook and a guy was writing a weather report each day. I read and commented every day, showing my appreciation and encouragement, knowing what it feels like to write into thin air for no one to comment or possibly even look. My roots of loving the weather returned no matter what it threw at us.
This was a new activity. New activities I realised helped me. Husband says I’m happiest when I have something on the go. I also wrote:
“ Christmas, you go through this with high expectations only to see the hope dwindle with the light. Early Christmas planning is key.”
15th December- I take up poetry again after witnessing a glorious sunset. “ A Sunset by Little Thetford.” A small snippet.
“December midline and already fading
The Winter Solstice soon
Turns nature’s wheel again
Shifting time,
I move on.”
18th December- The first snowdrops in the garden. This winter has gone quickly so far.
3rd January weekend away with my lovely friend Sue to see at the ROH Cinderella in London. Pure magic and what a wonderful two days away.
8th January. There has been frost, rain and winds. Birds finally returned to the bird feeders today after hanging them up on Boxing Day and waiting.
The new term of teaching begins. Vanessa Thomas’ Mindful Narrowboat has been a beautiful find. (YouTube) Her journals were being bought for my birthday.
I started to feed the birds again and going out and recording winter bird songs. The robin I can now identify and the house sparrow. I can pick out a Tit but not know which one yet.)
18th January- A weather journal started since the New Year and a gratitude journal.
I had started morning walks and this was helping me want to get up and get on. The gratitude journal comprised one main event of the day and three things to be thankful for. Research says it’s powerful but it felt quite functional at first. It grows on you and the feeling increases as to the effect of it. Both are ongoing and I’m committed to completing them for the year.
25th January. Had a nice birthday. Quiet, spent at home. Susan and her husband came to visit. We had cake and I made soup. It was just what I wanted as I had had a big 60th birthday party last year. I went out for a walk and the sky was blue.
9th February
Illness, virus, hard, SED feel it in its grip, sitting no good, combined with malaise and grey, comfort in words, reading and writing. I’m an armchair hiker and traveller ( Reading Salt Path, plus sequel). I need to go to the nature reserve again. I feel its call. Trees for me are a healing place. Looking out of the window, there have been mists. The time has felt like a tunnel again. Only outside and fresh air can help.
14th February
Antibiotics (tonsillitis been ill since 27th Jan), blue skies this afternoon – the light is returning both physically and mentally. We are nearly out of this tunnel. Being outside and walking are two factors that I shall carry with me as remedies for surviving winter, even if the weather is terrible.
Had hit a terrible low by this point and my brain I felt was failing. Even got the name wrong on one of my substacks posts about my dog. I was forgetting things, stewing about the past, ruminating and this felt like a deep crisis. I turned to meditation, prayers, breathing and simply acknowledging past grieves and regrets. There were powerful conversations at home.
20th February. I walk Paige (daughter’s greyhound) at 17.30 and it was still twilight. Real progress with the light now. It’s becoming warmer too. (I don’t think it was but maybe I felt warmer as the end of winter was fast approaching.) The tulip heads are showing more in the planted tub outside. Tomorrow, I walk.
28th February
“ So we end this section here after six months of observations of autumn, through winter and out the other side. I shall do it again next autumn and winter to make any comparisons (given any changes). The daffodils are out and blue skies, The birds were singing at 10.00 am.
28th February continues
“Recording here has been a useful anchor point as this winter, with so much illness, has been the toughest winter yet. Spring really does pave the way for change, hope and a new tomorrow.
Tonight is the planetary alignment.”
Reflections:
At the end of this record, I was sitting on a swing in a local park breathing the air saying we have done this. A friend had sent a song for me to listen to. I smiled and thought my friends are such treasures. I would not swap my life for anyone’s because I have these people in my world. My family of course are vital but I want to acknowledge here how friends really are a lifeline.
Having read this fourth draft back, I realise that I was putting in place further strategies and systems as each new challenge or feeling arose.
My brain health has become a priority over anything else. I have placed an emphasis on the physical but now this shifts.
More sleep, I go to bed regularly and earlier and the morning walks I have noticed help me sleep better.
Move, really move more. I have started some indoor exercise on YouTube to old 1970’s 80’s music. Exercise has got to be something you enjoy, otherwise you just don’t do it.
Less screens: did some research on this and my grey matter and hippocampus have clearly shrunk due to 15 years of phone and screen time. I am saying wrong words I’ve noticed called ‘slip of the tongue’ and stress can do this. Cognitively I have lost a lot of confidence in my ability to process things.
Truly, I have even been quite paranoid about early dementia but I don’t fit the early warning signs, apart from what I have just mentioned. I’m a high-functioning individual but running a self-employed teaching business has meant 24/7 hustle and effort since 2018 and I am tired. I realise I have been close to burnout and I know what care responsibilities mean. I am also slowly doing some more teacher training to keep the numbers in my classrooms buoyant and fresh with new ideas and improved teaching methodology. My life like many of us is a juggling act.
No daytime TV. It’s on here for hours at a time for my husband but I am not being sucked into it.
I have been worried about walking in isolated places on my own and tend to stick to safe streets, but these are becoming boring around my housing estate. I want to be out in the wild. I tried to sell my little commute bike but had no luck. Maybe that was meant to be. The bike is being oiled and I plan to bike out a bit, walk and then get back on it again and bike off should I feel the need to. I think it will give me more security and I can go out further quicker, especially on workdays when time is less.
If I can next year, I want to take a proper winter holiday with warmth and sun. The endless grey at times has been so hard.
Big observation: Winter and Christmas are not the same. They are together but they both need to be dealt with separately. They are both stresses in different ways. Recognising the need to get early Christmas planning was a lifesaver for this last one and it will be started even earlier this year( the commercial aspect to it) which I hate. This will leave the way clear to just deal with winter as it unfolds, plus any spiritual celebrations.
Markers and rituals; Turning my seasonal photos over in their picture frame and my picture of nature’s wheel have felt grounding.
So work in progress. Has anything jumped out for you here? I would love to know. One thing that jumped out for me is how many times I have used the word tunnel.
If you have struggled with this last six months or experience Seasonal Effective disorder , I would really encourage you to do this. I have gained so much from this experience to move forward for next time. For now Spring is here and I am so glad.
Full circle, I am in Oxford again and taking a break next week. I shall be back here on Wednesday the 19th March.
Until then……
