After last week’s mammoth read (thank you to everybody who read my reflections on six months of journaling through autumn and winter and stayed to the end with helpful comments), I have chosen this week to keep things very simple.
The photos here are from my early morning weekend walk which was a lovely, frosty spring morning. I even saw deer in the distance. I’m glad I get up early for these and meet my local walking friend for the one hour and 20 mins of chat and steps.
A new step for me:
Following on, as to why walking has helped me get through the autumn and winter, I have decided to place here my poem, which was submitted for the annual poetry competition of the Happiful magazine. I’ve never dared enter a poetry competition, fearing the disappointment of the 99% inevitable rejection but I’m glad I entered for two reasons:
Because I was serious about writing something I knew would be valuable and doing the best work I could, raising my own bar. I spent considerable time on the form, and flow after the first draft.
To experience the feeling that no, this wasn’t good enough in a judge’s mind, but that was OK. It does not invalidate it, or make it not an intelligent creative piece of work.
I was so touched at how Happiful (a magazine for positive mental health) replied to every one of us, not with some cliché answer but with a well-crafted thought-out response, offering encouragement and hope, saying that many of the entries would go on to find homes of their own.
We were told that there were over 900 of us, and it was a very difficult job to select the one winner and runners up because of the high quality of the work submitted from many of the entries. This felt so genuine, not just to make us feel better. I hope mine was one of them and it has found a home here.
I look forward to reading these in the April edition to see how they differed from mine and what made them stand out to be the ‘ chosen’ ones.
The brief was to write about something that benefits your mental health:
This poem as you can see is a walk through the seasons and how indeed walking is my saving grace. I wanted the poem to build up in strength, from the autumn and the already dulling of my spirit as winter is anticipated, to the uplifting energy of the spring and summer.
To convey the feeling of flow and movement within each stanza as I walked through the months, keenly observing what was around me, and how each season offered some medicine to help my overall mental well being. The guidelines were that it had to be no more than 25 lines, minus the title. Here it is:
Walking is my Saving Grace
Autumn’s light fading, oh how I dread,
the approaching winter, legs full of lead.
But autumn colours beckon me
to put on my boots and venture out.
Golden hues and skeleton leaves of lace,
Oh, walking is my saving grace.
Winter’s light jading, nature’s sleep begins,
the pressing grey, the chilling winds.
But winter silence encourages me
to put on my boots and venture out.
Diamond dew and frosty touch to face,
Oh, walking is my saving grace.
Spring’s light calling, the dawn of song,
the heralding chorus, new life budding strong.
How spring charms entice me
to put on my boots and venture out.
My gaze is sharp and quickens pace
Oh, walking is my saving grace.
Summer light uplifting, soft foliage green,
the blooming flowers, nature’s pastel scene.
How summer emboldens me
to put on my boots and venture out.
For movement is good, a compelling case
Oh, walking is my saving grace.
@HelenMarshall November 2024
Emailing this entry to a friend and fellow writer, including poems, I wondered if the final line should have said:
‘ How walking is my saving grace to give it a final impact but breaking the pattern. I’m awaiting feedback.
I posted this on my Substack account earlier and it’s certainly been the most successful post to date there and I currently have 32 subscribers in about two and half months. It’s good to see the people who have identified with this work and re-stacked it ( shared) with comments and thoughts.
It’s a lovely community and I’m really enjoying it over there. I’m keeping this site going because of holding the domain name, and for all the other pages/references and links on this wordpress site which I don’t have on that other platform. I have put months of work into this here and my few friends who read this are not on Substack. I’m happy for the two in run in partnership with each other.
What’s next:
To follow on from this week, next week is about the word rhythm and the rhythm of life. Given poetry is central to this word, it’s another good lead on from this post. I started next week’s audio today and that was special because of what happened after the recording. Come back to find out next week. It was a great short walk.
Coping with Autumn and Winter- a six month journaling experience.
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( The audio is not a transcript but accompanying thoughts for this post and why I did this)
The following in Italics are small extracts from my journal following these last two seasons. I struggle with both, and by writing an account it set me on a path to discover any patterns of behaviours, or triggers (positively or negatively) influencing how I felt during these these times.
As I was writing I was consciously and unconsciously putting systems in place to help me, as I discovered how I was feeling. I’m glad I did this and now wish to share the main points as I wrote about the changing seasons, the weather, nature what was happening and my mental health. These extracts are in note form and are not intended to be grammatically perfect.
31st August: Blue flowers in fields against Elderflowers and red berries. Summer and autumn are starting to merge. A lot to look forward to. Some nerves about being back teaching tomorrow after a month off from the Farm.
3rd September- Cloud, damp, everything has suddenly changed, change here too. Work stress, internet down at home, mood lower already. Tinnitus up, need to stay calm and steady.
20th September- we had a full harvest moon. The bush outside my house seems redder with the berries. Mood is restored as calmer house resumes. Already starting to plan for Christmas.
Revisting these early entries have already given me some thoughts about why doing this exercise has been so helpful. The emerging patterns of feelings what triggers any stress and why do I find this time so challenging?
Some people love winter, but for me, it seems heavy, and when weighted down by external events, it feels like you are bashing against an increasing cold wind and barrier. Traditionally, this has always been the most worrying time, the Christmas bills, heating, the cost of Christmas itself, various birthdays and the cars which had to be serviced, taxed and insured weighed heavy on my mind.
At the end of September, I went on a canal boat retreat and the attendees wrote about this transition of autumn through to winter. I journaled about how I felt about it in the past, compared to how I was attempting to feel differently about it now. It was a lovely day of deep writing and travel along the river at Ely. My daughter and I attended and it was great to connect with like-minded women.
Retreat day:
Autumn past:
“The fall of the leaves shows the darkness of that bare place, branches cut, barren and lifeless. I dreaded the clocks going back. It felt like I was going backwards with them. Time sat heavy and foreboding of the winter ahead.”
Autumn present:
I don’t know how it changed. It started from that golden ball of light and liberation within. The lighter self, the clouds of fog and depression gone, and it was like the shutters from my eyes were blown away to renewal, not death and darkness but harvest and hope.
This showed me how I associated the winter and the dark days ahead with my past depression notably occurring in 1999 and 2010. I went on to write that this season (autumn) should be about preparing and self-care for what lay ahead, taking stock and harvesting all the bounty of the spring and summer months.
“ I stand in the forest and see the golden greens and browns of effort and energy in front of me and know that this autumn is not an end but only a time to evaluate and to see what has worked. The soil is enriched with my leaves of activity, returning to the earth ready to sit quietly through the winter months, ready to step forth into the spring with a newness, a bud, a flower ready to begin again.”
I was full of buoyed-up optimism at this point. After the retreat, I write of seeing the Northern Lights in October, of the mists coming, and how the light continued to change in November. I planted cyclamen with their bright colours to see from my chair in the lounge overlooking our small garden, and booked a wreath-making workshop for Christmas. Something to look forward to seemed the way to get through this period. My daughter who finds winter equally stressful was doing similar things.
17th November- Harder- illness soon arrives with the autumn colours.
(Having a small toddler in our family now meant that we were being bathed in childhood germs).
Hand, Foot and Mouth wiped out most of November and lingering colds, though I was staying strong and virus-free up to this point elevated by Vitamin D, Zinc and Magnesium from my Joint supplements. My daughter’s plans for little activities to look forward to were largely wiped out from her calendar with quiet resignation. The wreath making workshop never happened and we did ours at home for my daughter’s 30th birthday.
26th November- Feeling like I have come out of a mini tunnel.
I had been to Oxford to see my aunt and as I entered the door back home, I didn’t come out the other side until now.
8th December- Possibly taking up a weather journal next year.
I had connected with a local village on Facebook and a guy was writing a weather report each day. I read and commented every day, showing my appreciation and encouragement, knowing what it feels like to write into thin air for no one to comment or possibly even look. My roots of loving the weather returned no matter what it threw at us.
This was a new activity. New activities I realised helped me. Husband says I’m happiest when I have something on the go. I also wrote:
“ Christmas, you go through this with high expectations only to see the hope dwindle with the light. Early Christmas planning is key.”
15th December- I take up poetry again after witnessing a glorious sunset. “ A Sunset by Little Thetford.” A small snippet.
“December midline and already fading
The Winter Solstice soon
Turns nature’s wheel again
Shifting time,
I move on.”
18th December- The first snowdrops in the garden. This winter has gone quickly so far.
3rd January weekend away with my lovely friend Sue to see at the ROH Cinderella in London. Pure magic and what a wonderful two days away.
8th January. There has been frost, rain and winds. Birds finally returned to the bird feeders today after hanging them up on Boxing Day and waiting.
The new term of teaching begins. Vanessa Thomas’ Mindful Narrowboat has been a beautiful find. (YouTube) Her journals were being bought for my birthday.
I started to feed the birds again and going out and recording winter bird songs. The robin I can now identify and the house sparrow. I can pick out a Tit but not know which one yet.)
18th January- A weather journal started since the New Year and a gratitude journal.
I had started morning walks and this was helping me want to get up and get on. The gratitude journal comprised one main event of the day and three things to be thankful for. Research says it’s powerful but it felt quite functional at first. It grows on you and the feeling increases as to the effect of it. Both are ongoing and I’m committed to completing them for the year.
25th January. Had a nice birthday. Quiet, spent at home. Susan and her husband came to visit. We had cake and I made soup. It was just what I wanted as I had had a big 60th birthday party last year. I went out for a walk and the sky was blue.
9th February
Illness, virus, hard, SED feel it in its grip, sitting no good, combined with malaise and grey, comfort in words, reading and writing. I’m an armchair hiker and traveller ( Reading Salt Path, plus sequel). I need to go to the nature reserve again. I feel its call. Trees for me are a healing place. Looking out of the window, there have been mists. The time has felt like a tunnel again. Only outside and fresh air can help.
14th February
Antibiotics (tonsillitis been ill since 27th Jan), blue skies this afternoon – the light is returning both physically and mentally. We are nearly out of this tunnel. Being outside and walking are two factors that I shall carry with me as remedies for surviving winter, even if the weather is terrible.
Had hit a terrible low by this point and my brain I felt was failing. Even got the name wrong on one of my substacks posts about my dog. I was forgetting things, stewing about the past, ruminating and this felt like a deep crisis. I turned to meditation, prayers, breathing and simply acknowledging past grieves and regrets. There were powerful conversations at home.
20th February. I walk Paige (daughter’s greyhound) at 17.30 and it was still twilight. Real progress with the light now. It’s becoming warmer too. (I don’t think it was but maybe I felt warmer as the end of winter was fast approaching.) The tulip heads are showing more in the planted tub outside. Tomorrow, I walk.
28th February
“ So we end this section here after six months of observations of autumn, through winter and out the other side. I shall do it again next autumn and winter to make any comparisons (given any changes). The daffodils are out and blue skies, The birds were singing at 10.00 am.
28th February continues
“Recording here has been a useful anchor point as this winter, with so much illness, has been the toughest winter yet. Spring really does pave the way for change, hope and a new tomorrow.
Tonight is the planetary alignment.”
Reflections:
At the end of this record, I was sitting on a swing in a local park breathing the air saying we have done this. A friend had sent a song for me to listen to. I smiled and thought my friends are such treasures. I would not swap my life for anyone’s because I have these people in my world. My family of course are vital but I want to acknowledge here how friends really are a lifeline.
Having read this fourth draft back, I realise that I was putting in place further strategies and systems as each new challenge or feeling arose.
My brain health has become a priority over anything else. I have placed an emphasis on the physical but now this shifts.
More sleep, I go to bed regularly and earlier and the morning walks I have noticed help me sleep better.
Move, really move more. I have started some indoor exercise on YouTube to old 1970’s 80’s music. Exercise has got to be something you enjoy, otherwise you just don’t do it.
Less screens: did some research on this and my grey matter and hippocampus have clearly shrunk due to 15 years of phone and screen time. I am saying wrong words I’ve noticed called ‘slip of the tongue’ and stress can do this. Cognitively I have lost a lot of confidence in my ability to process things.
Truly, I have even been quite paranoid about early dementia but I don’t fit the early warning signs, apart from what I have just mentioned. I’m a high-functioning individual but running a self-employed teaching business has meant 24/7 hustle and effort since 2018 and I am tired. I realise I have been close to burnout and I know what care responsibilities mean. I am also slowly doing some more teacher training to keep the numbers in my classrooms buoyant and fresh with new ideas and improved teaching methodology. My life like many of us is a juggling act.
No daytime TV. It’s on here for hours at a time for my husband but I am not being sucked into it.
I have been worried about walking in isolated places on my own and tend to stick to safe streets, but these are becoming boring around my housing estate. I want to be out in the wild. I tried to sell my little commute bike but had no luck. Maybe that was meant to be. The bike is being oiled and I plan to bike out a bit, walk and then get back on it again and bike off should I feel the need to. I think it will give me more security and I can go out further quicker, especially on workdays when time is less.
If I can next year, I want to take a proper winter holiday with warmth and sun. The endless grey at times has been so hard.
Big observation: Winter and Christmas are not the same. They are together but they both need to be dealt with separately. They are both stresses in different ways. Recognising the need to get early Christmas planning was a lifesaver for this last one and it will be started even earlier this year( the commercial aspect to it) which I hate. This will leave the way clear to just deal with winter as it unfolds, plus any spiritual celebrations.
Markers and rituals; Turning my seasonal photos over in their picture frame and my picture of nature’s wheel have felt grounding.
So work in progress. Has anything jumped out for you here? I would love to know. One thing that jumped out for me is how many times I have used the word tunnel.
If you have struggled with this last six months or experience Seasonal Effective disorder , I would really encourage you to do this. I have gained so much from this experience to move forward for next time. For now Spring is here and I am so glad.
Full circle, I am in Oxford again and taking a break next week. I shall be back here on Wednesday the 19th March.
When I first had the desire to create this blog, I had to ask myself why I wanted to do it. I knew that this would take time and commitment to write each week. Was my literary offering going to make any real or lasting difference to the way I saw life, got on with my life, and maybe help others to pause to think for a minute about theirs?
Here are some of the main points I have discovered since starting this in April and maybe the odd surprise:
You can produce anything, in spite of the busy and sometimes chaotic life you lead, if you really want to.
Your will and commitment to something matters.
There is always a new way, a different angle when looking at anything.
Small things can often offer the most memory or magic.
That one window into something can often open another door that you were not expecting.
You never know where one action, one chance decision is going to take you. I think of the summer in 2022 when I saw Beth Kempton’s Summer Sanctuary free writing course and thought why not? My inner voice was saying you have no time to do this. My outer voice was saying do it anyway and what a decision which has been so influential.
Life truly is a journey, where each twist and turn connects up to make the path that you had no way of knowing how to put together- it just happened.
Don’t overlook an opportunity but also go with the flow.
Don’t be afraid to try something that maybe doesn’t make sense at the time.
Your habits are everything.
Observe write down- events and experiences. Observations do several things. It helps to ground you when things are tough, and you can look back to learn from them. It can help you slow the mind, calm you down, and help you focus on the things that truly matter to you.
Any regular project worth doing well often takes a huge effort and can get easily derailed if you let other factors get in the way.
Back at the end of the summer, I said I would write in a separate journal over the next six months my travels into winter and out the other side into the spring because I struggle with this time of the year. I have kept it up and am now thinking of going back to my childhood and starting my weather logging again. Something that strangely excites me.
The Big 60 Milestone:
This year, my 60th has been an incredible and overall, a happy year. I started a list of things I wanted to do, have kept going and growing in my career, improved my home substantially with money that I have been proud to earn, worked incredibly hard, and have loved being a grandparent, though that is hard work too. I have created a beautiful space to work in and have lots to be thankful for.
Writing the Next Yeardown:
One practice I do every December (encouraged by business and motivation life coach Fiona Brennan) which I have been doing since 2019 is remarkably powerful. I write out the next year in the present tense about what is going to happen as if it were true. In June, I review and tick off what has happened and in December I do a final tally. You would not believe what comes to pass.
I said this year I was going to win something, though it may not be necessarily money. You would not believe how many competitions that have presented themselves. I have taken part in some of them- so far nothing has come of it, or has it? One thing I have done which I have never done before is to enter a poetry competition last month. The results are out in February. What a miracle it would be to come somewhere. But to me, I have won something already far greater- a belief that I can have a go at anything if I put my mind to it.
Magic and Mystery:
Two other events happened around the same time as this which I felt were hugely significant. Someone, I know felt compelled to send me this when she was crafting. I saw that as a sign.
My aunt had seen some jewellery called Angel Whisperer. She had walked past the shop for six weeks and then one day woke up saying Helen must have this and I have no idea why. She jumped on a bus and thought, if the said pieces are still there it is meant to be. She gave them to me in November during my last Oxford trip. I love the symbol of the wings whispering go on Helen, fly high.
She doesn’t even know about my blog, or even what I write about. How I sometimes feel the presence of angels looking after me and my family. I tried to share a little bit of this with her but she is not of the same mind as me so it’s difficult. I think she understood some of it though.
So, as we approach this season of Christmas maybe magic and mystery can truly happen- one where we can dream and ponder, hope and wonder, be inspired, love, and form a deeper connection with something greater than ourselves that cannot be bought, or won, but can be claimed through the power of belief.
May you have a blessed Christmas and a prosperous and happy New Year.
This blog will take a pause now for a rest in January and where I need to turn my attention to my revised work website. But I’ll return at the end of January with fresh content and new ideas. I am excited about next year and I can’t wait to see what happens next….
Happy Christmas and hope you have the start of a prosperous New Year.
I have been participating in a deep journaling exercise with writer Beth Kempton running over 36 days. With one question prompt a day, it explores impermanence, transition, loss and some big life questions. Simultaneously, over the weekend, I went on my first-ever barge retreat for the day and met four lovely ladies all escaping the pressures of the world and the pressures placed upon themselves. It was a gorgeous experience and one which shall be mentioned again, in connection with another post. I had never done anything like this before.
Time:
One of the questions in Beth’s journaling prompts was what is your relationship with time? The subject is worthy of a whole post, so for now, I will mention it briefly. The subject has been a focal conversation point in our household over the past three weeks. I felt my relationship with time was healthy. Now, I am beginning to wonder if this is truly the case.
Emerging Order:
The internet was finally restored only last Monday. It was an outside junction problem and order finally resumed in my life. I had thought about the subject of this week’s post and various subjects were swirling around and no one subject was settling. I was still in a deeply unsettled state of mind and finding focus again was hard.
Surprise:
To my surprise, my husband announced I had a ‘wobble’ last week. He had noticed it and said it was subtle. The way I speak and act changes. When I questioned him more, he said it was hard to describe. This was a surprise to me as I knew I felt under pressure but hadn’t noticed anything so very different to how I normally am. The month of September had certainly felt like a month of muddle when I was supposed to have had a break from work and ready to go back refreshed.
I am mentioning this only to say I think when you have experienced depression and anxiety in the past, little blips can occur. This doesn’t mean you can’t function and do well in your career and most people won’t notice. You can put on a good front and hide behind a curtain of competence and confidence but people closest to you notice, and it’s good to be reminded that maybe, it’s time to take stock. You aren’t invincible.
Control:
I suppose this highlights my need for certainty, of control and that fear and panic can quickly take over when things don’t go the way I had planned them. I have talked to my daughter about this, and several positive things have resulted because of the last three weeks.
1)I have a new working week routine with a strict boundary around other times. This includes boundaries around people.
2) The calendar for October and November is to stay largely blank.
3) Free Friday is being created. This is my time and my new day off. I choose what I do and with whom, or just on my own, leaving weekends for family etc.
4 ) I now largely use voice messaging on Facebook and Whats App. It’s more time efficient and saves typing text to message/ reply to friends and contacts.
5) What we eat here is now on the top of the list as far as time is concerned, not an afterthought. My boat day facilitated by an ex-Bali restaurant owner taught me that what we put into our bodies should be a top priority and not way down the list of to-do’s after work. There will be a dedicated time to meal plan at the end of each week, ready for the next.
6) I intend to enjoy the autumn and create more pause just to appreciate this change in the season. Observations and how noticing that the field from my bedroom window seems more brown than in August appear to be sharper. I plan to have a solo photography day with my Fuji bridge camera rather than just snapping from my phone.
Walking again:
I’m only just getting back into walking. It had largely stopped. You might think that previously, I had carved out significant amounts of time for this, and take myself off to new trails and locations each week. However, this is where my authenticity comes into play. I don’t lead a charmed life, where any reader might feel that creating a walking and writing life is hard to achieve. I am just an ordinary woman leading a life like many of us do with struggles and challenges with limited time and disposable income. I feel this is my blog’s strength in being this example.
Most of my walks are just snatches in time and taken within a couple of miles from where I live. There is nothing glamorous about it or showcasing weekly beautiful settings and numerous holidays. My writing is five to ten minutes at night before bed, such as the recent journaling exercises, or in the morning when I write these posts. And yes, they have been a challenge to do but one which helps me make sense of my world and hope it might resonate with you.
I have a lot of new subjects to talk about from these recent experiences. I am off to York tomorrow for a short break as there was no summer holiday this year. I hope to be inspired and see what next week’s post will bring your way.
The audio was recorded this last Sunday and sets the scene to the text. Do listen first, if you wish.
To illustrate how I find writing so useful, I will briefly describe a stressful situation.
Last week, my laptop suddenly lost all power, then the internet went down, and this last Sunday, just as I was about to begin teaching after five weeks of summer holiday, I fell ill. On Sunday morning I got out of bed groggy, a body like lead with pains and thought I had a virus or infection.
My router had been changed but had malfunctioned again. Open reach was booked to come out to see what the problem was. My lesson for the next day was finished (using internet data on my mobile phone and pen and paper) but I didn’t know whether I would be well enough to return to work. My two lessons for Wednesday were unfinished and swirling around in my head. My students were waiting to start again and I had promised a teacher (not from England) a Zoom call on a Monday afternoon. I went out for a walk to get some air and to try and feel better.
Earlier in the week, when this change of events started to kick off, I got my present journal out and started writing. With all this going on, including a new kitchen installation planned months ago for the summer (so we could eat salad and not feel cold with the open doors). On Monday morning, I felt a bit better and as the day progressed, I improved and I attended work and managed the Zoom meeting.
Writing as therapy
I have learnt that when problems present themselves, you write them down and say how you are feeling. Then one week later, or however long it takes, go back to it and see if those problems were as bad as you thought. Today, I can write- resolved and how. My health has improved whilst waiting for a test result after seeing the doctor. Writing this way has made me realise that everything can work out and it’s not worth getting too anxious about anything. This has helped me enormously with habitual, low-grade anxiety and I would highly recommend it.
Writing in a journal
I have never been great at just recording events in a diary. I find that dull, but when I do record something, I try to write for the memories, how it felt, what was noticed, who was there and even what the weather was like. I started one notebook when I was 50 and sometimes there are months in between entries. That doesn’t matter. It is good to recap and see how life has evolved. I will continue until the book is finished.
Writing for gratitude
I have written small notes, kept them in little bags, jars or boxes and dated them for anything that has happened that I’m grateful for, or for asking in prayer form for something specific. It is heartening to read them back. There have been some profound and touching statements. I have been very moved by some of them and many of my heartfelt desires have come true.
Writing for specific reasons:
In 2018, I started a social history diary where I write about wider issues of the day- politics, climate change, major events and where I predict what might happen in the future. I have recorded the centenary celebrations of WW1, Brexit, the Pandemic, General Elections, the Ukraine war and what is happening in Gaza. I want to leave it to my family. I also have a hunch that ink and pen writing will become scarcer as texting and the digital age will make old-fashioned pen and paper writing rarer.
Writing at the end of the day and detecting patterns
Last year, I was in a job that I absolutely hated for six months. It was a needs-must kind of work. I wrote in a type of journal that had tick boxes of positive and negative feelings. I would record these at the end of the day and quickly realised the patterns of what and whom that made me both happy and sad. It was very enlightening, and it helped make some decisions that had to be made. In spite of needing income I gave up the job and an opportunity that was much better came along instead. It was very useful to learn from and now looking back I was proud of coming through it all.
So, I hope I have given you some ideas to think about. Writing this has reinforced why I do what I do and I encourage you to give it a go too. I finished this post late last night finally getting back on track after a stressful week.
All my audios are a complement to my posts and are not merely a transcript. I encourage you to listen first to set the scene.
Putting on your writing shoes
“Spill what comes to you on the page.”
So says author Beth Kempton as I attended one of her writing sanctuaries last year, having bought her book ‘The Way of the Fearless Writer’. So, I begin with a story.
One day in 2005, I was given a pen, after a period of counselling, which prompted me to start writing. I was then a hesitant writer, a clumsy writer, as I put pen to paper in a blog format called one thoughtful woman. Plagued by doubt, my early experiences with English had left me with little confidence.
Early writing experiences
My early schooling, wrecked by bullying, eventually left its mark across all academic subjects, including being a weak grammarian. My first sitting for exams at age 16 saw me achieve two O-levels, History and Geography. I also passed a CSE one in English, but I termed this last one as not a ‘proper’ English Language qualification. I saw CSEs as second best which largely they were for their time.
The formal study of English Literature had been denied me two years earlier when I failed the mock exam by 2%. It took me two more attempts to scrape a C grade at O-level English Language, something which haunted any effort to see myself as a ‘serious’ writer until only fairly recently.
The Journey begins
I started a blog in my early forties when I returned to formal education ( University of East Anglia) and two things happened. I started to form an identity as a scholar and began to take off academically. This thrilled me, but I still had the old mindset of not taking myself seriously as a competent writer, outside of the lecture room. I bought books for my essay writing which still needed huge grammatical input and began to teach myself.
Fast forward to the pandemic, I remember going out for a walk and asking the Universe for a sign. Yes, I know for many of you that sounds rather weird, but I had been reading about the Law of Attraction and thought I would give it a go. In the middle of a deserted, featureless, bare concrete path there lay a feather right in front of me. Years ago, I had bought a quill feather with an ink pot and this had been mainly used as an ornament/novelty. I stopped dead in my tracks and picked it up. Was it telling me something about writing and if it had a future for me?
I took the feather home. It sat on the shelve, nudging me from time to time to take up the pen again. I stared at it, but what was I really to write about? My previous blog had produced no clear pathway or subject and I had stopped it. I needed to find my niche, my story, and what I cared enough about to form the discipline required to write something of real substance. The months passed by, but the thought never left me, resurfacing from time to time.
The momentum picks up
Then, In the summer of 2022, after another significant life event, I saw on Facebook a free summer writing sanctuary by Beth Kempton, the Japanologist and published author of books including ‘Wabi Sabi’ and ‘Freedom Seeker’. I was working hard at that point and had little time to indulge, but a little voice told me to sign up and do it anyway. I think this was my epiphany moment.
One of the exercises was to go and write outside. Beth uses the idea of writing sparks (a piece of poetry or writing to act as inspiration) and a previous spark of own, from reading John Lewis Stemple’s ‘Meadowland’ combined with walking in nature, and the love of big skies all came together. One day I was sitting at a Ford in South Acre, Norfolk, a place of many happy memories and started to write. I had no idea what was going to be created until the pen touched the paper and I just let my mind go.
The writing paradigm shifts.
A painter can paint what he sees outside, why not a writer then? This introduced me to a whole new way of thinking about where writing comes from. What ignites the words, the vision, story, of what needs to be written? And the exciting thing of all was that I found it so easy, like a lid from a paint pot finally opening and all that fresh new paint spilling out waiting to be seen.
The Summer Writing Sanctuary produced vibrant colours. Exercise after exercise made me bolder, and braver and I would read out loud what I had written and thought where has this come from? Soon nature and writing became as one, two halves, like a pair of walking shoes waiting to be put on to find unity, wholeness and a whole new sense of direction. It was from all of this that I walk beside you now with footstep conversations.
Where do we go from here?
Next week, I will continue to walk you through how you can write and why it is so powerful and good for us as an activity. There are many ways in which you can write for yourself, and for others and how to get started with some signposts to help you navigate your own road map.
Beth is currently doing another Summer Sanctuary and it’s completely free. I would encourage you to take a look at her work at https://dowhatyouloveforlife.com/ She is amazing and gives so much of herself and her time to help us become who we are called to be, with so many different courses at incredible value. She has also introduced me to Substack where you can also find her. I have created my own account but have yet to decide how I am going to use it.
Until next time and part 2. I hope you have a great week.
