A new poem for you to consider and how these words can be applied to many contexts. Inspired by an event and conversations, I wrote this poem in five minutes.
“Life is for living, not for quitting
Life is truly yours, not for fitting
Into someone else’s idea of how it should look
Life is for uplifting, not for hitting
Your own face when it doesn’t work
Life is not about splitting yourself in half
Life isn’t all about sitting either
But just turning up and not necessarily winning.
When something needs to be done, do it.
When someone needs your love, show it.
When someone needs a friend, be it.
But above all be a friend to yourself.
Because without that
You life will never feel like a life that is fulfilling or forgiving
When things are messed up
chucked up
mixed up
TRUST that it will all work out in the end
As intended
All in unison
Blended, not offended
PEACE! “
As writers don’t sabotage your growth, write. As crafters craft, as photographers, take pictures. As walkers, walk and as healers heal. As carers, care and as makers, make. As musicians play and as gardeners, garden the seeds of today for tomorrow’s harvest, because it is all good and worthwhile and ENOUGH.
You are enough. TODAY ALWAYS.
That’s my message for this week. Plain and simple and getting back after a break for work involving the new tax year, of exciting plans and new moves. Also, been painting a daughter’s kitchen:))
Until next time, when I will be talking about therapy the colour of blue. Interested to hear my thoughts then see you next week.
When I first had the desire to create this blog, I had to ask myself why I wanted to do it. I knew that this would take time and commitment to write each week. Was my literary offering going to make any real or lasting difference to the way I saw life, got on with my life, and maybe help others to pause to think for a minute about theirs?
Here are some of the main points I have discovered since starting this in April and maybe the odd surprise:
You can produce anything, in spite of the busy and sometimes chaotic life you lead, if you really want to.
Your will and commitment to something matters.
There is always a new way, a different angle when looking at anything.
Small things can often offer the most memory or magic.
That one window into something can often open another door that you were not expecting.
You never know where one action, one chance decision is going to take you. I think of the summer in 2022 when I saw Beth Kempton’s Summer Sanctuary free writing course and thought why not? My inner voice was saying you have no time to do this. My outer voice was saying do it anyway and what a decision which has been so influential.
Life truly is a journey, where each twist and turn connects up to make the path that you had no way of knowing how to put together- it just happened.
Don’t overlook an opportunity but also go with the flow.
Don’t be afraid to try something that maybe doesn’t make sense at the time.
Your habits are everything.
Observe write down- events and experiences. Observations do several things. It helps to ground you when things are tough, and you can look back to learn from them. It can help you slow the mind, calm you down, and help you focus on the things that truly matter to you.
Any regular project worth doing well often takes a huge effort and can get easily derailed if you let other factors get in the way.
Back at the end of the summer, I said I would write in a separate journal over the next six months my travels into winter and out the other side into the spring because I struggle with this time of the year. I have kept it up and am now thinking of going back to my childhood and starting my weather logging again. Something that strangely excites me.
The Big 60 Milestone:
This year, my 60th has been an incredible and overall, a happy year. I started a list of things I wanted to do, have kept going and growing in my career, improved my home substantially with money that I have been proud to earn, worked incredibly hard, and have loved being a grandparent, though that is hard work too. I have created a beautiful space to work in and have lots to be thankful for.
Writing the Next Yeardown:
One practice I do every December (encouraged by business and motivation life coach Fiona Brennan) which I have been doing since 2019 is remarkably powerful. I write out the next year in the present tense about what is going to happen as if it were true. In June, I review and tick off what has happened and in December I do a final tally. You would not believe what comes to pass.
I said this year I was going to win something, though it may not be necessarily money. You would not believe how many competitions that have presented themselves. I have taken part in some of them- so far nothing has come of it, or has it? One thing I have done which I have never done before is to enter a poetry competition last month. The results are out in February. What a miracle it would be to come somewhere. But to me, I have won something already far greater- a belief that I can have a go at anything if I put my mind to it.
Magic and Mystery:
Two other events happened around the same time as this which I felt were hugely significant. Someone, I know felt compelled to send me this when she was crafting. I saw that as a sign.
My aunt had seen some jewellery called Angel Whisperer. She had walked past the shop for six weeks and then one day woke up saying Helen must have this and I have no idea why. She jumped on a bus and thought, if the said pieces are still there it is meant to be. She gave them to me in November during my last Oxford trip. I love the symbol of the wings whispering go on Helen, fly high.
She doesn’t even know about my blog, or even what I write about. How I sometimes feel the presence of angels looking after me and my family. I tried to share a little bit of this with her but she is not of the same mind as me so it’s difficult. I think she understood some of it though.
So, as we approach this season of Christmas maybe magic and mystery can truly happen- one where we can dream and ponder, hope and wonder, be inspired, love, and form a deeper connection with something greater than ourselves that cannot be bought, or won, but can be claimed through the power of belief.
May you have a blessed Christmas and a prosperous and happy New Year.
This blog will take a pause now for a rest in January and where I need to turn my attention to my revised work website. But I’ll return at the end of January with fresh content and new ideas. I am excited about next year and I can’t wait to see what happens next….
Happy Christmas and hope you have the start of a prosperous New Year.
Unfortunately for the third week running, there is no accompanying audio. Life and the awful weather has prevented me from walking alone to record anything. It will be back next week though.
Three events/observations which happened last week.
I listened to a YouTube video by Peter Sage which has completely changed my perspective on gratitude and maybe it was one I was meant to hear. It’s very powerful and if you ever feel like life isn’t great, then please give this a go. It was a big wake-up call for me. Here it is.
Running alongside this was my idea that I wanted to return to one previous post about success and failure as it had touched one reader’s heart. I hope they read this as it might help them to realise just what qualities they truly have.
A difficult conversation.
Reflection:
Bringing these experiences together, I want to go back to the topic of being grateful and a new word resilience and how I am choosing to think differently from even what I had touched upon a week ago.
Point one:
We can all look at what didn’t go well, the decisions not made, the things we allowed to go on for too long, the people we met, the jobs we had, the divorce that happened, the trust that was broken, the disappointment of what if…….
Point two:
We can allow the very close people we are aligned to influence our narrative. They can try to paint our picture of life mirroring what they think their own looks like. The dark colours they choose can impact the finished result of our own picture, should we choose it too? Note, that we can reject this image.
Point three:
We have a chisel in our hand as far as digging up the past. We can mine for the mud or we can chisel for the gold. For out of every negative experience or perceived failure, you can turn the dust into diamonds or the grime into what shimmers, if you dig hard enough with a different attitude. Now you get to decide whether you want to continue to wear the dust or glow in a new light.
From one of those experiences last week, I recalled a time in 2010 when I had to make such a decision, and it was from that moment onwards that drove me forward to where I am today. I think I may have already mentioned it in one of my blog posts and a major driver in everything I do.
So here are some of my examples of where the dust has been reframed into a golden nugget.
Dust: I didn’t get a chance to do most of what I wanted artistically as a child- ballet classes and piano lessons.
Gold: The determination to not give up when I have had the opportunity to do things as an adult. Also, to make those opportunities happen. I have had piano lessons for nearly four years and have found someone who does adult ballet classes, but I have chosen not to do the latter- my choice.
Dust: A very traumatic short first marriage.
Gold: It was from that experience I met Jean who many of my friends know is one of the most important people in my and my family’s life. Incidentally, she is the one who recently connected me to the ballet teacher. This demonstrates how one opportunity can lead to another, or chance encounter. Also, that former marriage taught me great empathy with regard to other people’s experiences of mental health.
Dust: I failed midwifery training and the sequence of events that led to that was brutal. It was a very painful experience of shame, bullying and failure, though I stress I didn’t harm anyone in the process- just for the record.
Gold: From that I left the NHS, not wanting to go back into Nursing which has led me to completely change my career for the better. (See my Story). That dust bowl was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I could go on. Is there one thing you can reframe in your life?
Rewriting the Story:
We can all choose to tell our story differently by looking at the negatives and asking ourselves what good came out of that experience. What did I learn from it? How has it shaped me into who I am today? Who came into my life as a result of ‘ that’ happening? Believe me, I have been so blessed in so many ways over the years out of adversity.
This shift in thought is not meant to mask the pain, for you to be in denial that it happened or not to acknowledge the deep wrong or injustice that may have happened to you. But instead, you get to choose what you want to actively do with that experience.
The Victim or the Victor:
Either you allow the regrets to squash and consume you, reduce you to dust or use the dust as fuel for the ember that still flickers. To turn that energy and make something that is gold to help yourself, at least, and maybe others.
I’m not saying I am perfect with this. I can still compare myself to others, that voice of victim hood still wants to grab my attention and whisper in my ear:
“Look what they have. Don’t you wish you had a life like that? Why is it they have just had it so easy? Why did I have to go through all this? “
Then you can look at someone else’s Facebook post who is going through a harder time than you and that somehow soothes you that they are having it worse, and that somehow makes you feel better. Both these reactions I think are fundamentally wrong and awful to feel. Ultimately, I switch the thinking and narrative into this.
“I concentrate on my life and how I am shaping it to how I want it to look like. Crucially what do I have to do to make this happen? No one else is going to do that for me. It’s my responsibility.”
Avoid what brings you down:
I avoid as much as possible depressing news and scrolling through endless social media posts of comparisons. Crucially I have realised I don’t want to feed the same negative feeling in others by putting out to the world what I’m doing. OK, I like photography and enjoy posting holiday pictures as anyone else, but I am just more mindful of what reaction that might trigger in others less fortunate.
My attention is turned to a question. How can my work within the English language industry help others? I look outside of myself more and within the inner dialogue there is less self-absorption and more contribution. This is my driver and which propels me forward, even when I have my ‘down’ days.
This doesn’t mean that my life is all about sacrifice and just living for others. In fact, it needs to have even more self-care and a bit of indulgence. It certainly needs more fun. I don’t know how to have fun, as my life has been so serious for all sorts of reasons. It’s that balance again. Next year, I want to carve out more space, silence, free time and me getting to choose what happens next.
Ultimately, it’s all about empowerment as well as being grateful for the big and little things in life. And when I doubt myself, or have had a particularly hard or stressful time, my words that steady my hand to keep going and keep digging are these:
“Remember just how far you have come!”
Resonate with any of it, or do you have a different angle on life? I would love to know.
Good morning here in the beautiful city of Oxford where I have come for a pre-Christmas visit to my aunt, and this week my post will be briefer.
I have just finished my new habit/task ignited by changing one word and I am impressed so far with the results. Intrigued and want to know more? well, it’s surprisingly simple.
We all have to-do lists, and we all know that to-do lists, in terms of getting things done can be like a pack of cards. You shuffle things around, move things onto the back burner and shuffle again, so the tasks are at the top of the pack. Then you put the cards away until you get them out again a week later and realise nothing major has really budged. You have remembered that but forgotten something else. A new pressing job has come into play, and you put that as a priority. This gets done but the harder stuff, like accounts and emails for me, just gets pushed back for another week.
Emails are one task that I was, note the past tense, hopeless at sorting out. So, I changed one word on my tasks board at home. The to-do list became my accountability list. People can have accountability partners to hold themselves accountable for getting things done. However, I have never asked anyone to do this because I don’t want to burden them with another task, i.e. managing me.
How to Bridge the Gap between trying and doing.
No, I must learn to manage myself more effectively. As a start, I put at the top of my accountability list, delete 50 emails and unsubscribe to one until you have smashed the 4000 emails sitting in your inbox commencing the week of 4th November. Reduce, clear, unsubscribe, repeat and don’t let yourself down. And it has worked and not only that, the 50 emails deletion have become 100 and the one unsubscribing has turned into two. My inbox is now currently is sitting at just over 2000.
I now have an inbox not on red alert anymore because it is nearly full and by streamlining what I really want to keep on my mailing list I am reducing the mental clutter of information overload. I waste a lot of time clearing this word pile down when it could be spent elsewhere. Up to now, it’s been highly inefficient, hot and cold and hit and miss.
What’s next.
The next task is to pick one area of the many subscribers I sign up to and hone in on that one bite-sized piece of news. That will be next week’s accountability.
For next week, I am preparing two work meetings to go over some of the features here in this blog, among other plans, as next year I am completely revamping my professional website. This includes evaluating all my work to date with some important changes on where I want to focus my efforts.
Therefore, I have decided to take next week off my blog and concentrate on what needs to be done. This will be time well spent.
I will be back in two weeks.
Until then, I leave you with my favourite walk here at Shotover Country Park, a location of my youth and a place of many special memories.
( The audio is not a transcription but acts as an introduction to this blog post. and recorded at the weekend.)
There are books written just about Habits, how to form good ones, and how to discard the bad, so this post can only touch the surface. Therefore, I see this as an introduction and some thoughts on the effects of developing better routines and ways to organise your time and your life.
Some of you may have heard of James Clear, the giant in this field. The subject of how simple tasks repeated multiple times equaling compelling results. This momentum creates a clear line. A line that separates who gets ahead and who gets left behind.
Small efforts over time is the path to choose:
Habits in themselves as tasks are often very easy to do but the action of doing them consistently to create a long-lasting benefit is often one that people fail on, me included.
In his book ‘Atomic Habits’ James’ title suggests there is a power of great magnitude at play here which when utilised can move mountains and catapult us like atomic bombs into the stratosphere of success.
His Newsletter 3-2-1 is one that I never bypass each Thursday to read in my inbox. Both James, and Darren Hardy in his book ‘The Compound Effect’ write about the 1% marker in improvement in small and seemingly insignificant efforts producing remarkable results when compounded over time.
We know this works within the laws of financial Investment so why not within the laws of one own self and the way we go about doing things, or not doing them? Alternatively, we all know what happens when the ship or the plane is of course by 1% and as James writes:
“Conversely, if you get 1% worse each day for one year, you’ll decline nearly down to zero from the 37% increase if you became 1% improved at something.” Habits are the compound interest in self-improvement.
But you may ask, I am comfortable with where I am so why should I bother?
Well, a positive effect of developing better ways of doing things, or to be frank making better life choices in one’s action have an overwhelming effect on productivity, lack of stress, more knowledge, potentially better income and can lead to more meaningful relationships.
Ask yourself one question. What one annoying thing do I want to shift out of my life? What is stopping you from doing it? I think we all have at least one habit we would like to ditch.
The Habit Stack:
In ‘Atomic Habits’ James talks about how to make a new habit stick and it’s by a system called Habit Stacking. Simply, this is where you build a new activity from a previous action already ingrained and running on autopilot. An example for me would be once I wake up, I drink a glass of water. To give you the best chance of success, have the glass ready and full on the bedside locker the night before. Similarly, have your clothes ready the night before to get straight into them in the morning so you can start your day. I forgot to do this two night ago and spent 10 minutes rummaging around as to what I should wear in the ironing pile and wardrobe.
Peter Sage also suggests that setting up your day the night before is crucial to how the day is going to start. This may sound all rather boring and almost obsessional, but it works when you have a brain like mine, that can easily get distracted or you forget to do something. This is the prime reason why my habits fail- I simply forget to remember because the new action isn’t as yet automatic. How many times have you done something because that’s always the way you have done it? Here at home, we are learning to put the car keys in a new place and is a good example since having our new kitchen.
Why does this matter?
Consistency can start well but then slack off. This is my number one trait and habit killer. We start out with good intentions but then fall off the wagon. Often, I have to say to myself just start where you left off. I then ask the question, why do some habits stick better than others?
I suppose it’s all about how much you really want to change and can see the benefit from it. In his book ‘Make Your Bed’, the author states that the first thing you should do in the morning is make your bed because it sets the scene for the new day and psychologically creates a tone that sleep is over. This is done daily by me now and it has a very powerful effect.
Mel Robbins also talks about the five-second rule as far as getting up. Count to five and move. For me, that’s much harder to do.
Joshua Becker (Minimalist writer) encourages us that if you can do something in a minute or less, don’t put it off, do it, that’s really powerful especially when it comes to washing the dishes and having a tidy kitchen as a starting point in the morning. But when it comes to the big decisions that takes you away from comfort zones and procrastination the effect can be even more profound. Before publishing this I sent an email this morning asking for a meeting which could shape my professional work for 2025. This all feels really good which brings me to another point- that feeling of being in control and when things work well.
What has this meant for me?
Certainly, I would not have achieved as much in the last 10 years if I hadn’t adopted these principles. This blog would easily have been a thought still inside my head and not a reality. For me, time management and day efficiency, a commitment to get something finished and discipline have all been built into my life because of some non-negotiable habits I have created for myself.
What is the number one enemy of a new habit?
I’m afraid to say it but loved ones are the enemy and external extractions. Yes, the people we live with can ‘stuff us up’ and pull us of course. We fit in and conform to other people’s desires and weaken against their own bad habits.
“Would you like a chocolate dear from the goodie bag?” says my husband post Halloween as I fail miserably at drastically reducing my sugar intake once and for all. As I am writing this, there is the ping of the phone telling me I have a message that I am curious to respond to.
Now it’s time to get moving and out for my walk. I have managed three walks within one hour of waking this last week, a first and yes, I have been sleeping better as a result.
Until next time when I share one new hack with you I have introduced into my life since writing this. I will be partly working in Oxford where I am going for a pre- Christmas visit to a relative, another example of how I have built freedom into my life to do what I want and when.
Have a great week.
References: Atomic Habits, James Clear, 2018, Penguin Random House, UK page 15.
A definition of the word failure from the Cambridge Online Dictionary:
“The fact of someone or something not succeeding.”
A personal perspective of re-framing the word/feeling as a result of not succeeding in a set goal or task.
As I walked with this word these are the thoughts that came to mind in the light of my own experiences:
The opportunity to do things differently.
A result from which I can learn and grow from.
The choice/chance to take another direction.
Success is just around the corner.
Something better is going to come to you.
To evaluate what I should/could be doing differently.
The wake-up call to not keep pushing the wrong door open.
The chance to pause, be still and think about what I should be doing next.
A stepping stone from which I can propel forward.
An acknowledgement that I did my best but this is not for me and that’s OK.
A loss before a win.
Putting a slide- rule over a decision and taking a long hard look at it.
A pothole in the road you can’t avoid. You can walk over it, or you can walk around it but keep moving on.
When failure occurs you get to choose (depending on the circumstances) which one of these reframings you decide on and which fits your best situation.
For me, the sentence expressing a feeling that something is not right is the one that speaks the most with an area of my professional work coming under review.
To heal from failure:
It’s OK to say I am hurt, feel the pain and don’t try and cover it up. Sit with it, alone, in silence with coffee, with family and friends. Take your time and only you will know when you are ready to take the next step.
The hardest but most important thing of all is, don’t compare yourself to others. Focus squarely on yourself- so in this case you can be selfish. Give yourself lots of self-care for repair. You will be writing your prescription for healing (in doing so) that is unique to you.
Sometimes, your circumstances will mean you can’t sit for long because of a commitment you have to another- a student, a family member or an employer. Get out of bed and show up, however hard it is, because that momentum will force you out of a sinkhole of sadness and mental paralysis. Do what needs to be done and then pause, and take a rest when you can.
Try to keep the ego out of failure. This is not easy as our self-esteem have been bashed but hurt pride could force you into an action that leads to another mistake. Detach the ego with the result you have just had, and this will allow you to look at it more objectively and help you make the next step less likely to be the wrong one.
Above all, don’t hurry, create some space and take your time even if your day-to-day routine has to be active. Your rational self will come up for air. Failure makes you vulnerable, acknowledge it and give yourself time to think through the bigger picture. You could be just one move from getting that next decision right, or one move away from compounding the error.
Realising failure means that you are fully living. It shows you are prepared to take risks, rather than hide in the shadows. You are experiencing all life has to offer, the opposite of stasis, procrastination or just existence.
To experience failure is to know that you are embracing life in all its yin and yang, ebb and flow, ups and downs, black and white, push and pull, opposite forces, good and bad.
For me, the biggest failure was a catalyst to find a whole new path where eventually I would find the greatest happiness and success. I didn’t realise it at the time but it opened up a gateway of opportunities that I never thought were imaginable.
In conclusion:
Ultimately you and your thoughts get to choose what happens next
Acknowledge it
Feel and sit with it
Take responsibility for it
Realise that whatever has happened the result is in, and you can’t go back and change it
It doesn’t have to be repeated
Be big enough to say I made mistakes, but that could have been out of fear, panic, not knowing, inexperience, poor tuition, lack of support or temporary skill or just plain bad luck.
Say ultimately this wasn’t for you right now. It may be in the future, it may not but usually what happens is for a reason and it will all come good in the end.
You can be victorious, but you will doubt it for a while. Give yourself grace and time to rise to see beyond the defeat.
Don’t compare failure to shame- know the difference. The ego is hurt, yes, but shame is often a feeling when you have done something wrong causing hurt to others and that is a completely different curve ball.
I feel I have only touched upon this subject and may need to come back to it. I leave you with one final statement which my experiences have taught me the most.
Above all failure teaches us humility and compassion.
Allow me to introduce you to Sarah Hare, the youngest daughter of Thomas Hare, a family that has lived in this area since the 1500s.
I’m back at the Holy Trinity Church of St Bardolph, Norfolk close to where I live. I never knew she was tucked away here in a large, dark wooden cabinet, yet wanting to be seen. I expected her to be lying down but no, she wanted to stand up, as if death hadn’t defeated her.
( The quality of the photo is interfered by the glass reflection. I tried different angles and this one was the best.)
Yes, you will see something quite unusual, and the only funerary figure outside of London. She is kept in memorial in wax with her real hair, grimy hands, dirty face and piercing eyes, almost with a spookiness about them. She had given instruction that she wanted to be preserved in wax and her face was probably a life-or-death mask as she had died of sepsis from a needle work injury, at the age of 55, on the 9th of April 1744. She wore her own clothes and the red cloak was particularly striking against her damask gown.
As I stared at her, I tried to get inside her head as to why she would want to be remembered this way which poses a question.
How do you wish to be remembered?
The theme for this week’s post is immortality, life and death. This might sound a bit heavy as the dark wooden chest Sarah is placed in within this family crypt. However, far from this post’s theme sounding morbid, this one is full of living and here’s why.
( On a side note, as I took this photo she was behind me, I could almost feel her eyes looking at me. It wasn’t scary though. It felt quite peaceful.)
I was 60 in January- quite a milestone and some big ponderings started to come into play. I might have more innings in me yet, but you also realise that time is beginning to run out. The dreams, aspirations, things not done, and places not seen become more urgent.
With the birth of my grandson last August, this was a big catalyst to start really looking after myself. I want to see him grow up, be part of his life and remember his nana for all her chatty, quirky ways and zest for living. I want to live more now than ever before.
So, I started to ask some big questions and for me write out some powerful statements about how you want the rest of your life to go.
My mission statement (Ikigai, meaning reason or purpose)- more about the book Ikigai in next week’s post.
I say and write words to positively impact people’s lives.
This is essentially the essence of who I am. My English work at the Farm, the birth of this blog and recently helping students with interview preparation to help them succeed in their chosen jobs.
I have health, wealth and happiness every day. (Wealth isn’t just about money, that’s another post for another time.)
I can play the piano.
I can walk without pain. Note, I use the word can, not I would like, or hope too. Writing in the present tense as if it is now and done is very powerful. There is research on this, just google it.
I have several more statements, but you get the idea.
This also brings the word gratitude into play here which is a huge subject all of its own. I have an 89-year-old friend who, by most people’s standards, has led a simple life confined mostly to her town and who has only ever lived in one of two houses which are next door to each other. She lost her husband at age 61 and her son who was aged 47. My family is the only one she has, even though we are not related.
Yet, never have I seen such a display of simple gratitude which has shaped her life from one which could be viewed as narrow and sad to one of blessings and joys. She is a wonderful example of gratitude, of noticing the violets on her walk to the shops last February, to the leaves shining in the local park with the sunshine. When any small occasion comes her way, a road trip out, an invitation, however small, then this lady is so happy as she notices the shapes of the clouds as we drive along. I will never forget her pointing out the rabbit on the road to March on an outing to my daughter’s. She has had little money all her life, but her riches are many.
So, I come back to the question.
How do you wish to be remembered?
What’s important to you?
I want to walk around the UK writing about life, health and what it means to be alive and living the best life you can, including visiting cathedrals and churches with my laptop in tow. For all sorts of reasons, and the need to work consistently being one of them, this at the moment is confined more to days out, occasional 24 hour get-a-ways and any holidays. However,it is an intention I aim to do when I can fully retire.
I want to start a local walking and writing group, ideally next year but under an umbrella organisation where I can have a safety net, insurance and guidance so other people can harness what I am benefiting from. Walking is powerful, writing is powerful but put the two together and you can have a superpower to propel you into anything you want to be. Note, I write this with caution as I am not a counselor, see my disclaimer. There is a lot more ground work to do before I embark on such a venture.
How do I want to be remembered?
Someone who did the best they could with the modest talents they have and to not waste a single second. Wasting time is not for me and to fill each day with something I love and can be proud of. This could be criticised. I am not saying family isn’t important, it absolutely is, but your life can be more than just your family or your day job.
You have a right to fulfil your dreams. I do not need to be preserved in wax. I want to fly away on the wind in dust to mix with the air and for my family to plant some snowdrops in my favourite place. My collections of writings (my best ones) will be left to the family for any creative reference and hopefully some wisdom and interest and a memory that was kind, compassionate and caring.
That to me sounds like a pretty good life and for now, I am happy to get on and live this way.
How do you want to get on with your life, if there was nothing to stop you doing anything?
(There is no audio this week, due to a minor contagious illness preventing me from walking when I was hoping to record it. There will be one next week.)
Looking at the latest photo of my 10-month-old grandson, what strikes me is the pure joy on his face at that given moment, with no thought of time on his hands. I feel this is the purest example of living in the moment. He had no concerns, no pressing engagements and just as it should be.
My Father gave me a valuable lesson years ago when he said:
“There is only one thing you can make in a hurry and that’s a mistake.” ( See my slightly hazy, imperfect photo.)
Remembering these words, I think back on all the wrong decisions taken and the mistakes made when I was rushing around, not taking enough care and attention, and crucially not just pausing and taking the time to check or think through what I was doing. It’s even happened with this venture and if this new blog has achieved anything then it has highlighted this and what I need to do about it.
I was watching a video the other day where the speaker mentioned that when we are asked how we are feeling, the word fine is swapped now to busy. We live in a fast-paced world. Our present Government wants the 3.5 million of us who are termed ‘economically inactive’ aged 50-64 to get back out to work and one friend expressed a phrase that we are all units of production. There is a subtle pressure of being idle isn’t acceptable.
Recently, I had conversations about being on the hamster wheel in my younger days of juggling work, house, family commitments and childcare. Of course, we all pay bills, and most of us want a sense of purpose and to connect with the outside world. We can’t escape the demands of modern life.
Becoming busy can become addictive as the adrenal pumps through our body. I researched the subject and stumbled across this blog. I largely have this problem.
I asked myself one question, How does being busy validate me?
1) Being busy must mean I am doing something useful.
2) I’m not wasting the precious time I have.
3) I can achieve something important, a goal or a step towards completing a long-term project.
4) I’m adding something of value to the world.
5) I’m getting ‘things’ on my to-do list done and this gives me a feeling of accomplishment.
6) It takes the pressure off deadlines.
7) Apparently, I’m at my happiest when I am busy.
8) It is the opposite of lazy and being lazy is a word I have never been encouraged to be.
Over the last month, I decided that it was no longer necessary to work at the weekends. As most self-employed people know, working for yourself means that there is always something to do. The email list, financial accounts, the tax return, re-evaluating your website and for me as a TEFL teacher learning the latest teaching methodology or skill. The guilt of the teaching of grammar course I purchased ages ago, that I still have started and the personal development programme from Beth Kempton’s writing courses I have to finish in less than a month, or the content will expire and I would have wasted precious money.
Then there is the constant tweaking of my morning routine so that I can get my work done early, so that time is made for walking, family and leisure. So, on one of these Sundays, I sat in my dressing gown and I couldn’t help feeling this was wasted time and physically felt the restlessness. I had to quieten my mind and just take my time, saying it was OK to have a morning of ‘blobbing about.’ It felt so uncomfortable and is something I find hard to do.
However, being busy isn’t necessarily being productive. What we spend our time on matters, how we do things in the most streamlined way counts. The chance of a mistake is reduced and wiser decisions are made when we just slow down, take our time and hit the pause button.
After the death of Dr Mosley (see last week’s blog) it has hit home how fragile life is and how living well isn’t just about cramming into your day as much as possible. Days of quiet, resting, noticing, pausing and just being is essential and within those spaces of time a chance to connect with yourself. I confess my whole life ( from the age of 10) has been built on steps towards ‘something.’ Just to walk, smell the air and notice the view is a skill I’m having to learn to do.
Ironically, this week I have had to stop due to a minor illness which has meant I have needed to be isolated within four walls. This has hit home to me just how hard I find it to stop. One day later, I am restless, trying to catch up, and being away from my paid work this week is very frustrating., I am thinking of the things that need doing where I can use my time productively.This is a mindset that needs to change and work in progress.
What piece of advice would you give someone who needs to just ‘be’?
Do you see any of your behaviours in what I have expressed here?
I learnt early on in life that if you wanted something badly, you had to work hard until you achieved it. So began my journey into nursing after seeing an advertisement when I was 11. This was a defining moment.
With the massive support and practical help of two ‘adoptive style’ parents, I transitioned into a young adult with enough basic qualifications to be accepted into what was then known as State Registered Nurse training. Those eight years leading up to that point were excellent training in itself. It taught me fortitude, resilience, and the attitude that you just kept going and grinding away until the polished, gleaming diamond of victory was in your hands.
However, the finished stone has one potential flaw with this mindset. When you hold on to something so tightly, It can slowly start to crush and diminish you. This is where I now mention the ego. If you attach your ego to where you see something as a ‘must have’, things can start to go wrong and work happiness starts to take a downward spiral.
Fast forward to thirty years later, I saw the pinnacle of my nursing career teaching a high-stakes health-care exam. I had completed some initial training and felt my years of experience would be the sail that would propel me into this very niche world of teaching. To date, I have helped eight people achieve this, but the price to me personally has been very high. The tears, the stress, the agony of when it isn’t a pass. I am a sensitive soul and initially my default mindset of, you just have to grind away at it until your teaching is polished enough automatically kicked in. To let go would admit defeat and for me this is unthinkable. Of course, I have touched on perfectionism here and that’s another post. The rational me knows that teaching is a two-way street between student and tutor as far as the learning goes.
Pondering all of this on my walk in the forest, I thought, what if all this pushing, shoving and driving myself down this particular path is wrong? Am I now at a Crossroads where it’s OK to say enough is enough? This was not how I had envisaged it and thought this path was only going to get wider and longer. Now it was shrinking but crucially I was allowing it.
One of the key things I have discovered over these last five years is that sometimes you have to let go and just trust you are moving towards something better. The need to control everything for me is huge due to 1) childhood fears and 2) the belief that it’s all down to me to make anything and everything happen are huge stones to let go of.
Then, as I have touched on in my audio message, there is the power of gratitude and managing expectations as a counter force. Nothing is perfect and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I have been so grateful to have had this opportunity. The people’s lives I have helped to change who can now practice Medicine/Nursing in an English speaking country. I shall talk about the power of gratitude as a later date.
I am still exploring all my work options, but one thing is clear. Letting something go to let something else in is not failure. To think so is black-and-white thinking. Instead, to take the experience and move on, holding on to hopes more lightly. There is a balance between the argument of never giving up, versus allowing something new to move in and you move on.
At my May monthly writing group I attended last week, we were asked to bring a poem that spoke to us. I took Robert Frost’s ‘The Road Not Taken.’ It’s an excellent and famous poem and you can read it here. I would encourage you to think about your crossroads, the roads taken, the ones not, and the ones where you caught a glimpse of what was there and you have turned on your heels quickly and taken a U-turn.
So, to sum up, this is what I would now say. When the diamonds of life’s endeavours sparkle, keep hold of them, dance, and shine with them. But when the diamonds turn to stones of grey heaviness, it’s time to extract the memories and experience of what they taught you, say thank you and let them fall from your hand. You can physically bury them if you want to, there’s a thought! I might do that.
What do you think you need to let go of this week? What might appear instead if you did?
